THOUGHTS: 28 GOING ON 30

WHAT IS 30 ANYWAY?

I always dreaded turning 30. That was my personal nightmare in my teens. I thought 30 is the point when one stops living and from then on one will be permanently wrinkled, tired, with screaming kids hanging around and the husband fucking his secretary. Well, I’m 28 and I’m so not even close.

A couple weeks ago I went on a 2,5 week holiday to Bali – which was enjoyable for half a week before the tropical stomach virus kicked in and I had to be hospitalized for a week when I flew home – and the only thing on my to-do list was to do absolutely nothing, lounge by the pool, acquire a tan, and read as many books as I can (five in two weeks, ha!).
Interestingly when you tear yourself away from the daily routine, your brain will gain a perspective it’s usually to tired to have. My biggest “life epiphanies” were all downtime ones and it did happen again this time. Life will never be the same!

THE HIPPIE, THE TOOTHPASTE, AND THE CRISIS

I was browsing Instagram stories when The Man Repeller shared an interview with a 30-year-old. A seemingly innocent start and a very irrelevant identity. This girl – or woman – has a little child, a new husband, works as a doula (a home birth lady), plays the guitar and sings, makes her own deodorant and toothpaste, decorates their apartment eclectically, and loves vintage t-shirts. So she’s a total hippie, and even though this is nothing I can relate to, it blew my mind.

How can someone have such a strong identity and belief system, that it has an effect on everything she touches or breathes? 

Then I started thinking… My teens were a time when I blindly led and followed into stupidity with no sense of consequences or responsibility, just winging it. My twenties were (are) about choosing certain people to be close to me, then try to adopt their way of thinking, their attitude, goals, outlook, and see what sticks. I was a pinball for 7 years, bouncing between jobs, businesses, blogs, countries, continents, boyfriends, friends, clothing styles, beliefs, and habits. I changed my mind about things in a day.

This by the way doesn’t only come down to rootlessness, my un-diagnosed and untreated bipolar illness was a great catalyst too. I didn’t know where was I going, I just knew I needed to move on, change, run away, so I never had a foundation strong enough for an identity. I didn’t have anything to believe in when my body and mind failed me constantly, and I had no answers to most of my questions. But hey, this is past tense. The last 10 months I have been treated, medicated, I see a therapist weekly and continue to discover every branch of alternative medicine. I’m not cured, but I am stabile enough to lay that base I can build my 30’s on.

WHO DO I THINK I AM?

Because I believe 30’s are when you are the one who can lead others and tempt them to adopt your beliefs, hobbies, lifestyle, clothing style, or choice of interior design. I honestly can’t wait to be 30 – metaphorically, there’s no magic spell – and I work towards to what this “30” represents every moment these days. I want to know who I am and when I start thinking about this, I have answers to more questions than I would leave blank… So Happy 30th Birthday for me, I think I started to grow up a bit. It feels great.


LAINEY